San Francisco

Rejoice, citizens of California! The Golden State has once again demonstrated its unparalleled prowess in problem-solving. Move over healthcare and education crises – we have a new champion in town: the miraculous eradication of homelessness!

San Francisco Cleans For Company

San Francisco solved Homelessness overnight! All thanks to some last minute housecleaning and a benevolent visit from the one and only Chinese President, Xi Jinping.

San Francisco, ever the philanthropic city, decided to flex its problem-solving muscles by doing what California does best. Throwing a ton of money at a problem without fixing anything!

Forget about drug abuse, rampant poverty, and skyrocketing homelessness – they are yesterday’s news. The real issue at hand? Making sure President Xi has a picturesque view during his visit.

Gavin’s Buddy Comes for a Sleepover

Gavin (practically) just got off the plane from his visit to China, perhaps he took some notes on how to be a more effective Dictator during his visit.

From the Office of Governor Gavin Newsome:

Governor Newsom’s visit to China serves as a reminder of the importance of relationships and that more progress can be made if we approach one another with an open hand, not a closed fist. In 1980, San Francisco Mayor Dianne Feinstein forged the San Francisco-Shanghai Sister City relationship, the first of its kind between cities in China and the United States. When he served as Mayor of San Francisco, Gavin Newsom developed close ties with then-Mayor of Shanghai, Han Zheng, who is currently serving as the Vice President of China.

“California and China have a proud history of exchanging ideas and ideals, and it is critically important to maintain those strong relationships to find a future where we can all prosper together.”

Governor Gavin Newsom

When the leader of one of the world’s most communist countries comes to town, aesthetics take precedence over everything. China does keep things relatively clean despite the size of its population … did Newsome see it first hand and rush home to tidy up?

Quick, Hide the Poop

Behold, the ingenious solution: planters! Yes, you read that right. San Francisco decided that the best way to showcase its commitment to global unity and diplomacy is by putting about 100 new planters in strategic locations. Move over, Paris – San Francisco is the new city of love, and these planters are the embodiment of our undying affection for our esteemed guests.

Who needs affordable housing when you can have lush greenery lining the streets? Clearly, our government has cracked the code on prioritizing the well-being of its citizens – or, well, at least the well-being of its international guests. But hey, let’s not be too hasty in our judgment. After all, if our government wants to fix things, they’ll do it – even if it means diverting attention away from the crumbling foundations of our own society.

Bureaucratic Band-Aids

It’s truly heartwarming to witness the efficiency with which San Francisco tackled its homelessness problem overnight. Who would have thought that the key to solving such a complex issue was a presidential visit? Perhaps we’ve been approaching it all wrong – instead of advocating for social programs and affordable housing, all we needed was a high-profile guest to motivate us into action.

And here’s the kicker: it worked! San Francisco cleared its streets of the homeless faster than you can say “diplomatic photo op.” It’s almost as if The City magically transformed overnight, shedding its less-than-pleasant elements to present a polished façade to the visiting dignitary. Who cares if it’s a temporary fix? The optics are what matter, what did they do with all the homeless people?

‘The police just told me that there’s a major conference, that the president is coming, and asked if we could stay away for a week,’ Jamal Barnes, a 50-year-old homeless man, told DailyMail.com.

Barnes, a crack addict, said he’s been on the streets since being shot in the stomach in 2016, requiring a colostomy bag. 

Before we get too carried away with this newfound success celebrating the city’s commitment to entertaining a foreign leader, we must ask what our government is willing to do for #China versus its own citizens. The age-old question of priorities, should we address the systemic issues plaguing our communities, or should we focus on impressing the leader of a global powerhouse?

Xi Should Go On a U.S. Tour

Dear Dictator Xi Jinping, since you seem to be the catalyst for positive change in our cities, could you please extend your visit to other metropolises in need of a facelift? Detroit, Baltimore, New York, and Chicago are just a few suggestions.

A man living at St. Regis, speaking with DailyMail.com, marveled at the steel fence being extended around the hotel Thursday and stretching toward the convention center

I’m sure many cities would appreciate a touch of your diplomatic magic to sweep their problems under the rug – or, in this case, planters or behind secure walls/fences. Perhaps you could return on an annual basis, Americas Spring Cleaning in the fall, just so it gets done every once in a while.

Final Thoughts

San Francisco’s ingenuity (“throw money at problem”) highlights remarkable ability of a high-profile visit to miraculously solve our most pressing issues until tomorrow. Who needs comprehensive, long-term solutions when we can have instant gratification and aesthetic improvements?

Isn’t it amazing what our government will do for #China, but not for its own citizens?

A new Chinese Proverb: Problems seek progress, one planter at a time!