Listen to this article!

Oh boy, let me take a shot at this!

In a world where stickers have become the ultimate weapon of mass destruction, the fragile existence of adults in Humboldt County has once again been threatened. Brace yourselves for the mind-blowing news that will make you question your belief in humanity.

*Drumroll, please!* Adults are feeling threatened by stickers. Yes, you heard that right, stickers!

But fear not, comrade, because a band of concerned citizen vigilantes, armed with cameras and an unshakable fear of adhesive-backed paper, have luckily been the folks who consistently stumble upon the horrifying sight of glue-backed paper displaying homophobic slurs, threats of violence, and anti-Semitic sentiments. Unlike the community at large, which lacks the stomach to deal with complex situations like these, the vigilantes took immediate and decisive action to protect our community. 

The A.S.T.V. to the Rescue!

We are so lucky that the anti-sticker terrorism vigilantes or the A.S.T.V ( a subset of the Humboldt Human Rights Commission ) have been the ones to make these discoveries, or else it is no hurdle to imagine the lifelong pain and anguish these stickers would have caused an untrained observer. This heinous acts of sticker terrorism took place in the serene vicinity of the Arcata Marsh parking lot. This region was not previously targeted by bigotry and hate, so the A.S.T.V. Had focused their attention on known hotbeds of hate. The A.S.T.V. Has vowed to increase their perimeter checks of the area in the future.

In the meantime, the community can rest assured the threat has been mitigated because the A.S.T.V team on site valiantly decided to take matters into their own hands, tearing down these miniature works of satanic art and documenting the evidence. As their protocol instructs, they provided this evidence to the North Coast Journal, the local authority on hatred, bigotry, and terror.

Can you even imagine the horror? Stickers with words! It’s as if these adults have never encountered anything offensive in their entire lives. Who could have thought that the delicate sensibilities of grown-ups could be so easily disturbed by tiny pieces of paper? Let’s start distributing sticker-sized therapy dogs to help them cope.

Hateful Stickers?
Worry NOT
BAT MADRONE & MIKE “ROBBIN” WILSON
ARE DRAFTING RES 3.0!

Right now, the community can rest assured that Steven Madrone and Mike Wilson have been activated like Batman and Robbin to the Bat Signal and are hurriedly drafting a third resolution condemning hate.  

There is no stronger reaction to sticker terrorism than drafting and reading a resolution into the record. Indeed, across the free lands of America, whenever the slighted indication of intolerance arises, Resolutions are drafted. These Resolutions are like love force fields that are as effective as gun-free zones are at preventing mass shootings.

Let’s not overlook the artistic genius behind these stickers, though. One of them suggested that queer people should “report to the rope.” Ah, yes, the classic stick-figure interpretation of a death sentence. Who needs civil discourse when you can communicate your bigotry through stick figures?

And let’s not forget the anti-Semitic sticker because nothing screams “mature adult discourse” like a good ol’ message about pedophilia. What a fantastic way to express your ignorance and hatred while showcasing your lack of creativity, assuming the sticker artist is authentic and NOT another shenanigan by the same person who left a fake hateful signature on our petition calling for the end of drag shows for kids in Humboldt. Bravo, sticker artist, bravo!

Oh, but the absurdity doesn’t end there! 

As it turns out, these stickers are similar to those found in McKinleyville Park last year. I can only imagine the sheer panic that must have swept through the adult population upon discovering the existence of similar stickers. It’s like a bad horror movie sequel, but instead of a masked killer, it’s sticker maniacs roaming the streets, armed with adhesive and a vile sense of humor. Has Bat Madrone been activated?

Will Humboldt survive this newly discovered darkness lurking about in the shadows?

These are all questions that are left unanswered. 

So, let us all come together and mourn for these poor adults who fear the almighty power of stickers. May they find solace in safe spaces where adhesive-free zones and trigger warnings shield them from the terrifying reality of the world where anyone can slap a sticker anywhere. And who knows, maybe one day they’ll realize that the only real threat in this scenario is their own overblown sensitivity and inability to cope with the idea that some do not accept their culture and chosen lifestyle. 

Disclaimer: 

This response is intended purely for satirical purposes and does not condone or make light of the harmful messages mentioned in the article. The intention is to highlight the absurdity of adults feeling threatened by stickers, not to diminish the seriousness of hate speech or discrimination.